Confessions of a 23-year old Immature

Day-to-day experiences. Never-ending thoughts. Lessons learned.


The heat of summer is on!
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I took a loooong break of writing blogs and entries since the month of March after my birthday. You know, I’ve always been so busy with work, tons of works at the office because of the exhibit we have joined the last time. I have had a hard time writing thoughts, and extracting my creative juices through my head since I was bothered of what supposed to be wrote.

Aside from the never-ending huge piles of work, I was busy of out-of-town trips! Yeah! See, I could still manage my time to relax beside my hectic schedule. That’s the wonder of proper time management!

From the first weekend of my APRIL up till to the last, I was on my trip of beating the summer heat. I would like to thank to Mother Nature because of the nature’s wonder I have been to. J

• First weekend of the April month:

I was at Subic, Zambales with officemates! It was just a great compliment, to us, employees, for working several hours a day. We, too, deserved a break once every year. I could say, I had fun but fondly missed my friends doing same trips like of that. It was happy and tiring Saturday for me.

• Second weekend of the April month:

                This trip was more fun than the first one. I was at San Rafael, Bulacan, beating the sun and the huge pool of a college friend’s resort. This was more fun since I was with my college circle of friends! I mean, we had same wavelengths and trips like the usual conversations, videoke, and whole night of drinking sessions, plus pictures!

• Third weekend of the April month:

                It was Holy week! And, every time this week strikes, you would see my packing my bags and riding the bus going South. I was happy spending my every year to my home town in Marinduque. How could I forget the usual Expo in Boac, and the Via Crusis plus the privilege of seeing man and children wearing morion mask. This was yearly routines, and I had the chance to be with my family and old folks and friends. It was always good to be back at home.

• Last weekend of the April month:

                This was the first time this year, ever, since I had an out of town trip with my favourite friends. La Union was the high light of my summer outing! Since it was Anna’s birthday bash, she spent the celebration at an exclusive resort. I had fun beating the sun, sand, shore, and the waves which we experienced body surfing. That was all bursting of happiness with friends!



Nothing's changed
i am a cam whore.
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I feel like it’s been a decade since I last posted an entry here. I’ve always been the busy bee spending my time at the office and hanging out with my favourite friends (Colyn, Hams, and Mike) for the past few weeks. And of course, making my pre and birthday celebration exciting but it all turned out to be so spontaneous. But still, I love the simple pleasure I had on that day.

After my birthday, the following days became so typical again. Like of what a normal routines, I spent my 8-hour at the office and went out with my buddies right after five-thirty. See, all things were usual as it seems.

Question bang on my mind: Did I really change my attitude from what lifestyle I had before?

Right now, I’m still bothered but not angry or pissed off. I’m just worried because I don’t have any idea why this friend charged me off the thing I didn’t know. From the transparent email sent to me, I got so blanked and helpless on how I could possibly defend myself. After I read those lines and accusations, I don’t know why she said those. I checked the date it was sent, March 16, 2011, 5:17pm. I’m still left hanging for questions and answers to be asked.

Right after my birthday, I already talked to her. We exchanged SMS just like the normal tweetums day and said we already missed each other. Of all those times after my day, I knew we are okay. WE ARE GOOD JUST LIKE THE OLD TIMES. I was crazy asking “How come she said those words? Where in fact, I know, we were all good?”

I hate plastic people. I’m not fond of mingling with this type of Homo sapiens. You’re mistake is just you didn’t tell me on the day we were texting each other. I said of what I really feel for you, but you, you keep yourself close. I hate your last words from your email, “bsta usap n lng tayo.sa bday nya.kung tuloy man. kelangan lng cguro talaga ng matinong usap. di puro patweetams at biruan sa txt.” Do not say those words because you already did. Of what I’ve said above, “We exchanged SMS just like the normal tweetums days and said we already missed each other.” Now, I’m puzzled.

I don’t want to get angry because I know I don’t have to be. After I talked to my other friends, they’ve advised me not to be pissed off but understand the situation instead. I asked them, randomly, if I did change. But then, they had different answers and concluded in just few words, “Walang nagbago sayo.”

But Colyn shoot the ball right. “Nagbago ka, pero in a better way. Hinde ka na masyadong umiinom, nagssmoke, nagmumura. Walang masama dun kasi in a nice way ka naman nagbago.”

I just realized lately, I should remain smooth and calm. Mike told that it’s all petty. I should act as if nothing happened. Apparently, all I gonna do is try to understand the situation because I’m the one who really knows well.

Hamill, on the other hand, wasn’t biased after all. I love her for being one. She just said like of what Mike told me.

I hate this senseless issue although I read the letter for the nth times. I realized and learned many things, again. I know, I didn’t change, maybe the situation did. I want it all to be fair and perfect tonight. God decides all to be well.

 I miss you, ice.


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Happy birthday to me!!!!
bubbles
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Today is my superbly twenty-third birthday! And I couldn’t actually efface the smiles left on my face because of the warmest and gladness I feel on this moment of my life. And I’m very thankful for those people and things that made me really blissfully awesome now.

Here are my ten lists (because today is March 10):

1.       God. Thank you for adding another year round of celebration of my day. Today, I feel the positive vibes you showered me earlier. I am really grateful and blessed.

2.       Nanay, Tatay, Ate, Andrei, and Angel. I already celebrated my pre-birthday but still I’m half sad because I can’t spend the day with you guys. However, I should definitely be happy because of the SMS greetings I received this morning. I love you all!

3.       Mike. You really made my birthday fantastic! I couldn’t describe what should be the perfect word to express my feelings. Thank you for the surprises! Thank you for the early morning hugs and kisses while saying, “Happy Birthday”. Thank you for the effort of sending a birthday banner. Thank you for the Banapple blueberry cake & tuna pie. Thank you for the birthday gifts- dark chocolates with almonds and a Fred Perry dress. And the best of all you’ve made, sharing and waiting the night before my birthday comes, and I should thank you for that!

4.       Colyn & Hams. You’re the two who’s more excited than me. Thank you for the early birthday greetings! But of course, thank you for listening to my sentiments! And, I wanna see you later to entirely complete my day. Let’s cheers at Coffee Bean!

5.       Facebook Friends. I’m still counting the actual numbers of people who greeted me today! Thank you for all the words on my wall.

6.       Officemates. Thank you for the all the random people who greeted me. You all deserved pizzas & sodas! Cheers!

7.       Bitches. Some of you already greeted me through text messages and others posted on my wall. Thank you bitches but still I don’t feel overwhelmed. I miss all of you!

8.       Banapple Blueberry Cheesecake & Toblerone Cheesecake. Thank you for the delicious sweet treat on my taste buds last night upon waiting for 12 o’clock to strike. The birthday girl really deserved you!

9.       Fred Perry Dress. Thank you for making me awesome today! Everybody loves what I’m wearing. They said I’m look like majorette! Hahaha! Thank’s to you who sponsored me this one.

10.   God Only Knows by The Beach Boys. This is my birthday song! “God only knows what I’d be without you”. Simply, the lyrics explain all.

Like what I’ve said to everybody, “AKO ANG BIDA NGAUN”. :)


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Happy birthday MIKE!
POLA
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I’ve always been the sweetest friend of him. Last night, I surprised him with some stuffs, of course, inexpensive gifts because it is his twenty fifth birthday! And to tell honestly, I never did like of that with some other guy friends.

When he saw me, “Siguro Starbucks gift mo sakin, noh?.” And I told him, “Hinde para sakin to (but I was just joking).” I gave him Banoffee pie and at the same time, crossing my fingers for him to like it. And I said, “Pasensya ka na, ang hirap mag isip ng gift sa’yo, pero alam ko, favourite mo si Manix Abrera.” And I held him the 12-story-silent-type-comics which I scored from bookstore. He got surprised of what I gave him, and I couldn’t even imagine he got that perfect expression. To thank me, he hugged me tight and made a blissful kiss.

To complete, this message is for you:

Mike, 25 isn't a bad age. And please, do not consider yourself as "older none the wiser". Just be thankful because you're still celebrating. I'm hoping for more anti-boregasmic experience with you. :) Happy twenty fuckin' five wanker! :))



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My not-so-perfectly-romantic-valentine
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I told Mike last night, “Alam mo ba, iba ung valentines ko last year. I was surprised by A. Medyo corny pero sobrang kinilig ako dahil first time may gumawa sakin nun.” And then he said, “Hahaha, ano ka ba? Ok lang yun.”

For him, that thing is pretty OA. He didn’t find it sweet or romantic. But I considered that moment of life so precious which figuratively showed me how sweet A was. He was indeed. And, I couldn’t fail to remember it up to split second.

Valentine is the day I’m afraid to come off. Every single woman like me literally hate this day. If I could just choose, I don’t like to see fancy flowers in plastic warps, chocolates in heart shapes, and couples cuddling and snuggling around. Yes, honestly, I’m bitter.

But, Mike made me realized one thing: that Valentine is not just for committed couples. He made me understand that I could be happy spending the day with a friend. It was him. Actually, we didn’t arrange any plans, he just asked for a favour if I could join him to buy some stuff. And because of boredom, I did go with him. And out of being spontaneous, we made a pre-valentine single date out. We watched movie, ate healthy meals, and got more ‘kwentuhans’ of anything inside our silly heads. And he did give me chocolates, too. I was really surprised.

Year twenty-eleven Valentine wasn’t just right for me. Funny, I just spent it with a special friend, so nothing romantic happened, just another seemingly ordinary day.



haynaku..
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I’m really disappointed with myself.

When I saw the picture, I was like, “Graabehhhh?!!!” And I didn’t know that my friends really posted it on FB. I thought they’re gonna hide it or make it private so that other people would not be able to see it. I just feel ashamed of what I did. Pardon for those who saw it, and got affected by that picture.

I was hell drunk that time, and I didn’t recognize that they took us photographs.

I am really pissed off of what I did. I really shouldn’t be like that. I should be proper and careful when I got drunk.  And I’m still the one responsible for myself, and no one else.



being spontaneous isn't bad
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I’m all feeling well, and relieved.

After my last entry, I took a paused for a while. I didn’t make any post, just because I want to be in silence. But for now, these are the upshots of my short hiatus from you Livejournal.

The grieving I felt the last time I was crying in pain was all relieved now. I’m all stressed –free from anger I’ve been carrying from almost three months. Just because, I allowed myself to accept all the fact that some love story has its own fate to come to an end. It was just as simple as that-- acceptance. Thanks to you, A, for making me feel hurt and free, now. I shouldn’t blame you but rather I should thank you because you made me realized many things. Like what we’ve promised, we are now good friends, and I am happy we are still.

The day I first met Mike, it was all coincidence. Yang introduced him to the picture. And after that day, we became close like true friends. He was the one who I called in the middle of the night after that painful conversation with my ex. He comforted me like we all knew each other for so long. He told me stories about his painful break-up, too. He told me silly things, random things that he knew I could carry because we have the same wavelength. Up to now, we are good, as friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I owed him a lot for making me more spontaneous which I never use to be.

Aside from Mike, the friend that I almost spent my week was Hamill. I was with her over five days. Before her birthday, we were together because we just wanted to talk so many things, made tsikahans, planned for her party, and made “salubong” on her birthday but we just fell asleep after a tired bus ride. On her birthday party, I was the one who came next to Jd followed by the bitches and other set of friends. And we made another drunken Ham’s fest!

The next morning, Ham’s and I went to Nueva Ecija, just to spend her birthday party with her family. I joined her because I wanted to see NE and her family, and cute little nephew, Brody. We just had not less than 24 hours there. I loved her Mommy’s cooked foods, Danielle and Dylan’s stories, Brody’s smile, Ericson’s weird invention, the rice fields, hot weather, and the memories. After that, I kept thinking of my own family and how I missed them. Next thought popped on my head, I wanted to go to Marinduque.

Everything was all spontaneous. But, I love the mere fact that I’m always into unplanned trips. It’s because, I found it happier, without expecting anything. Being so spontaneous made me realized and learned many things- that I could do jaunts, be nuts, and be contented after all.



God knows I'm miserable now
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“But it's not so bad
you’re only the best I ever had
you don't need me back
you’re just the best I ever had”

-Best I ever had

How many pains do I have to suffer? How many tears do I have to fall? How many memories do I have to remember?  ....just to forget you.

Everything was bound to happen. It wasn’t coincidence or destiny, but a mere fate to happened. The moment I’ve seen your messages, I feel the rushed of blood. I was like, “What should I do?”. I went home as fast as I could, just to talk to him, sincerely. That moment, which I could figure my face, it was all excitement. I was excited to talk to him after almost three months of dormant from each other. That’s it, I missed talking to him. But, after several minutes of talking, I found myself crying in pain. I found myself, so hapless. I couldn’t speak but I called Mic. I was crying as hard as hell. If I could just face the mirror that time, I found a face full of pain. And then, I talked to God.

My friend Mic told me, “magrestore factory setting ka”. Yes, I need to be restored. I’m all damaged which I couldn’t know how to be strong after all the tears. I don’t know if I really deserved to be hurt. Natatakot ako nab aka magemotional break-down na lang ako bigla. Last night, I decided not to breathe because I can’t handle it anymore. But then again, I know God won’t be happy if I do it, again.

I admit it was my entire mistake. I expect a lot. I expect because I still care. I expect because I still love him. I’m still longing for his love. After almost three months of grieving, I don’t know why it wasn’t enough. How long? I’m tired.

I’m changing a lot, from the most particular bad routines up to this moment of my life. Sobrang hirap na hirap na ako, ano pa bang dapat kung gawin? Kung mayrong magpapasaya sakin, siya lang un. Sobrang nahihibang na ako na hinde ko na alam tama ba ginagawa ko. I’m still suffering. Gusto ko magmura, pero hinde ko gagawin. Gusto ko ng ilabas lahat ng anger ko. Nagsusulat ako ngaun ng sobrang umiiyak na ako dahil naawa na ako sa sarili ko. Hinde na ako masaya, alam ko. Dapat tama na.

But then again, I still wanna talk to him.


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Dating experts outline seven match areas to consider:
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1. Physical appearance
While physical appearance and attraction draw two people together at first, these aspects will affect the rest of their lives. If working out and staying fit is important to you, will it bum you out if your mate doesn’t share your quest for rock-hard abs?

2. Emotional maturity
Is this person emotionally mature and centered or still lugging around some trunk-sized baggage? How does your sweetheart relate to family and friends? Is he or she emotionally supportive or have control issues? Is your mate aware of his or her own issues and interested in addressing them?

3. Lifestyle choices
This includes career and social lives, common interests, leisure time activities and energy levels. Would she rather join the bowling league or the metropolitan symphony? Does he have lots of energy for activities with friends while she’d rather rest and chill out at home?

4. Financial compatibility
This is a hot bed for most couples. It includes income levels, savings goals and views on handling money. How do you each want to spend, save and invest? Is one person a spender while the other saves? Is one person financially responsible while the other plays catch-up with child support and bills?

5. Value structure
This area is often overlooked but has a tremendous impact on your life. It includes the big values: honesty, integrity, loyalty, views on family and children, religion and spirituality, life goals and the treatment and care for others. Does your mate follow through on promises made? Would you say this person is trustworthy? Will you always be there for each other in a pinch?

6. Marriage and intimacy
Everyone does not share the same idea of marriage. The big questions to address are: What do you and your mate expect from marriage? Is he or she looking for a soul mate? Do you both want close intimacy beyond the physical aspect, including with your friendships and in private communications with each other?

7. Intelligence
Having similar education levels increases your chances of sharing matching school and social experiences, intellectual interests and career goals. What topics do you and your honey like to talk about? Conversation limited to sports or shopping may get boring to someone who likes to ponder philosophy and bluster about business.

While you don’t have to match exactly in each area, look at the big picture and make sure you match closely enough in the important areas of your life to up your chances of finding a love that will go the distance.

Based from: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=9862&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=682742

What if?
blank&white
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My friend once was asked me, “How do you know when you totally moved on?”

It’s always been a typical question when you’ve experienced a break-up. Random people are always asking about it, and sometimes, I gave different answers, depends who asked about it.

I always knew I finally moved on. I gave certain answers like, “I moved on already because he didn’t get on my head that much.” Or something like, “He’s just nobody to me.” But beyond that answers, there are still running thoughts through my head. “What if he came back?”

What if question is always been an instance. There is no security or assurance of making that question answered. Unless, he responded to you right away you said it. But, there are no possibilities. There are no second chances. There are no me & you. There is no love at all. I knew he think of that.

One thing is sure about me, if he comes back, I know I will accept him again. Enough said.


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