Confessions of a 23-year old Immature

Day-to-day experiences. Never-ending thoughts. Lessons learned.


Everything happens for a reason...
school uniform
herlculis

Everything happens for a reason...

When I tried to look at myself, I don’t feel empty. After all the trials that I’ve been through, I know I still have to stand for myself, for my positive self.

Right now, I know my purpose in life. God gave me something, out of nothing. God granted my wish because he loved me. Last year was a year of toughness. From day to day, I faced problem which really test my strength. I experienced what was the feeling of being left by someone, my Lola, the feeling of being abandoned, dumped, and stranded from two different people who I really loved much, and the feeling of being seen like a trashed because I was hooked to different people. It was hard.

I already paid for my mistakes. I just found myself that I just cried till I sleep at night. I found myself going home alone. I found myself eating all by myself. I found myself in the dark where no one sees how I was because they didn’t bother to ask. Of all the bad times, I found myself.

Before 2010 ends, I asked Him, “God, bigyan nio po ako ng magandang career, kahit wag na muna ung love life.” HE GRANTED IT. He listened to my wish and I’m still thankful for Him.

 The reason why he gave me something is because he knows it’s for my best. Since then, I decided to change for myself. I should reward God of what he did to me. Sabi ko kagabi, sa pagiging matino ko, dun ako makakaganti sa kabutihan nia. He gave me walls but still created with a window. After all the trials, it’s about time to change every bad habit. He challenged me to change me.

Tinupad niya ang hiling ko dahil oras na para magbago ako. I should left my vices, some stuff that really made my sinful. Isa isa tinatalikuran ko na, dahil OO, hinde maganda. And, I should thank God because after all, I’m still strong.

Of what had happened, I found my big well-built self and amusing God, now I realized.
 


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Is this a syndrome?
blank&white
herlculis

So, this is it...I’m dormant for almost a week now. It’s not literally I don’t go out to see other peeps but my hiatus inside my crib is too severe, unenthusiastically speaking.

 My life is all routines, from the moment I woke up to the time I go to bed. My life is managed by a body clock. I know, this isn’t normal for me, after all.

 7:00- alarm clock will wake me up!

7:15-7:35- probably get out of bed, ready to take the shower

7: 45- fix my self

8:00 or as early-  leave the house to go to office

8:15- eat BF

8:30-12:00- WORK, WORK, WORK (plug my ipod for a good ambiance)

12:07 (computer’s time)- eat lunch, talk to my officemates

12: 45- fix my self

1:07- 5:37- WORK, WORK, WORK (plug my ipod for a good ambiance), eat something

5:38-6:00-  out to go home! (sometimes I go out but it rarely happens now)

SAT night- go out to see friends

SUN morning- go home again.                

 
I know I’ve changed a lot since I went on a short Christmas holidays. I already broke the bad habits, like:

 - excessive smoking
- drinking too hard
- making out with other people
- dealing with bookings too much

 I think, I’m all tired of all my vices. Time-out. And, I would like to hail myself to a new transition for a better change.

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Mr. Left-over
school uniform
herlculis

Last night, I was awaked by Gelo’s call.  I don’t have any idea why he did call at the middle of the night. I think he was drunk or tipsy. He told me how I was and if I was at Cubao, Expo. I just answered his questions and told him that I would just talk to him in on the following day. And then, I couldn’t get back to sleep.

Gelo is my friend. Way back to college, we were on the same set of friends, like Ice, Jack, and Ivan. We were always seen as typical colleagues, out of the boundary of love. WE WERE JUST MERE FRIENDS. And, that’s what I know. Until last Christmas season, he texted me, I was at the bus then going to my hometown. HE SAID HE LIKE ME. I couldn’t react or say any words because I know a fact that we were best friends and nothing else. I thought it was all nothing. And then now, I don’t know what I will say if we are going to meet tonight.

Gelo is one of the persons closest to my heart. Just like him, I still have Keneth. HE WAS MY EVIL-EX BOYFRIEND. I was with him for almost 15-months of struggles to find happiness. Though I became happy with him, I still regret the time that I gave him all of what I have. My mistake, a big mistake. I saw him last NY because I went to his house to visit my god-children which happened to be his cousins. That’s why I can’t avoid him so much. And the worst thing of all, he wants to come back to my life. Enough is enough.

John Vincent, he was my LOYAL EX-BOYFRIEND, too. He’s been there for almost months, waiting. It’s just started when we kissed each other, and we both knew we were drunk. After that reunion party, he became more available to see me. But then, I can’t be with him because I hate his vices. I hate how he smokes cigars, I hate how he drank liquors, I hate him because he abused his self.

One-hour ago, I received a private message from Jep. He just wanted to know how I was. I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS GUY! Our story was written from my previous blog entitled “For you, Mr. Suplado”. But I know, we can’t be together because, number 1: He is in Bahrain now and number 2: He still cares for his ex-gf Marra. But of course, I need to end my illusions.

Right now, I still don’t have someone who would fit me in. There they are, but there are certain consequences when I let them in. Still, I have this long journey of finding a love with guarantee.

LOVE, not now.



2011
POLA
herlculis

My first blog entry for this year.

2011.

This year is something new to me. Right now, I feel emotionless. Hinde ako ung taong masaya o malungkot ngaun. Wala akong nararamdaman. I feel like im a robot. I’m unadorned.

Probably, this year has some surprises!

I’m a positive-thinker and I should be. I still have plans and goals for this year. I don’t want to start this year bare and yet I want it to be fabulous! I want to grow. I want to become more than just myself.

I have this bulleted goals for my twenty-eleven:

  • Change image (probably cut my hair short).
  • Save money.
  • Invest for a business (or stocks).
  • Take financial responsibility for my family (kahit konti)
  • Join a religious org (its for good).
  • Career-centered.
  • Sometimes, I have to say “NO”.
  • Less vices. Health-concious.
  • Lovelife should be less priority.

Ta-try ko namang gawin ang mga bagay beyond my boundaries. I have to take the risk, malay ko, its for my own good.

GOODLUCK saken.


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My rollercoaster ride...
blank&white
herlculis

PROBABLY THE LAST ENTRY FOR 2010...

Few days from now, my 2010 will definitely end. From almost 11 months of struggling through happiness, I could say this year taught me tough lessons in life. The first half was intense but later on, I faced so many hardships which test my strength. This isn’t the best year for me, but absolutely the year where I got so many consequences which I found myself more mature, more open in different life’s perspective.

JANUARY

  • First monthsary with Angelo.

 FEBRUARY

  • Angelo surprised me on Valentines Day!
  • Watched Hot Air Balloon at Clark Expo, Pampanga with Ice, Colyn, and Mao.
  • JD’s birthday celebration!
  • CAMAYA COAST with bitches and friends!

 MARCH

  • My Birthday celebration at Zambales! The best birthday bash ever!

 APRIL

  • JOBLESS :|
  • Family day at Marinduque.
  • Anna’s Birthday parteyy!

 MAY

  • Calatagan, Batangas with the bitches and friends!
  • Jethro’s Bi-fest!
  • HIRED at YATAI!
  • Marinduque with the bitches!

JUNE

  • Transferred home to Makati with Colyn.

 JULY

  • Darwin arrived.
  • Angelo and I were falling into pieces.

 AUGUST

  • Angelo and I broke up.
  • Darwin came up to the picture.
  • Tagaytay Spontaneous trip with Hamill and Yang.

 SEPTEMBER

  • Lola passed away.
  • Colyn’s brother and I fought.
  • Transferred home again.
  • Ice’s birthday celebration.

 OCTOBER

  • Darwin dumped me. :|
  • Moving on process.
  • Marinduque Fiesta!
  • Andrei and Nanay’s Birthday.

 NOVEMBER

  • Elementary classmate’s reunion.
  • I tried to come back to Angelo but he just dumped me instead. Move on.
  • Bagac, Bataan with the bitches! Yang’s birthday celebration.

 DECEMBER

  • College christmas party was a blast!
  • Spent my Christmas holiday with family and friends at Marinduque!
  • Regular employee at YATAI!
  •  PREPARING FOR BETTER CHANGES FOR THE UPCOMING YEAR!


POSITIVE CAREER PATH
lady in a red cap
herlculis

I just received the GOOD NEWS came from the company TODAY! Effective today, I am a regular employee of Yatai plus the benefits of being one!

“God Thank you so much for this blessing! This is the best thing that happened to my career before 2010 ends. I promise to you that I will appreciate this gift you have given! I love your surprise so much...”

Sabi nga, kapag hinde ka daw maswerte sa love life, sa career full blast naman. Okay lang..masaya ako! I’m so proud of my self...I’m floating on cloud nine!


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Holiday Cheers!
bubbles
herlculis

Christmas was finally over. I didn’t have those fancy gifts, cute dresses, and big money for this holiday but, I have this absolutely perfect season for myself.

I celebrated Christmas at Marinduque. Yes! Finally, I have the chance to visit my relatives again after almost three months of staying here in Manila. I missed them so much, much of course, my two little pamangkins- Andrei and Angel. I love to hug and kiss these cute little angels of my favourite sister.

Christmas day, I was at ice’s place. Then, I have my few high school batch mates. Almost all of us were girls, so we have this long hour of conversations. That night, we went to Erica’s to spend an overnight. We spent almost several hours talking while drinking beers and vodka. I loved how we drove the conversation. It was like getting to know more about each other, our past experiences, present situation, and future goals in life. I knew, we were all professionals and well-mannered. Some of my classmates are registered nurse, teachers/professors, but most of us are in corporate world. Apparently, we are not yet all successful but we have this different path to take one of these days.

En route to Manila, I feel this sadness. I miss everyone! But, I need to work and have my life back in reality. On the 29th, I will be back in the province to spend my New Year! Yahoo!



For you, Mr. Suplado
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herlculis

 

(di siya ganun ka pogi dito, haha)

I’m stubborn to start this blog...since I forgot the scratch at home.

Okay...so, this is it! Here comes Mr. Jeffrey Gandionco as my newbie prospect. Tall, fair, quite handsome...it’s all I can describe him. Almost perfect for me to fit. But the best thing about him—he’s free and available, absolutely!

He was my college batch mate way back in FEU. All I could remember about him is that, he was always with his GF (thanks God, now ex-GF). I had a hard time talking to him that time since he was silent-type, quite boring, dull. But, those qualities made me really fascinated with him. For me, he’s mysterious. He has something inside his quietness. He has something to say and prove.

I was in cloud-nine! Finally, I had the chance to talk to him, not with just a simple conversation, but an intimate one. Last college batch mates reunion slash Christmas party was a blast! It was perfectly my night which made my dream came through. I knew he will come that night so I prepared for it. I wore this red dress borrowed from Hamill. But to my surprise, he had same outfit colour as mine. Oh, my! It’s all coincidence. I admit I was attracted to him that night. He became more handsome and attractive since he just arrived here in the Philippines freshly from Bahrain. That night, I couldn’t resist but needed to talk to him, so I approached Jacky. And luckily, I got the chance. Second move, I was beside him making good conversation about life, work, love life, everything. It’s my forte, I know!

After long hours of conversations, jesters, laughter’s, we found each other kissing. Oh! My bad-ass classmates dared us to make-out. But, of course, it’s all favoured to me! That made my night so worthwhile and I can’t resist him, bitchin’ me. Hahaha!

The dream was finally over when we headed back at home. We left Fairview together inside the cab. No more kissing, no more hugging...just holding hands together. When I told him goodbye, he kissed my head and said nothing.

Now, all I can do is just thinking about of what had happened. For once, even once, he became mine. And before the year ended, I became happy, even for a single moment.  
 


Keep looking up...
bohemian
herlculis



Funny, I just realized lately that off all years or instance of being in a relationship, never could I imagine that I, Colyn, and Ice will be single, simultaneously. And the most hilarious of it, we were all betrayed and cheated. Apparently, it all happened in different moment, in different situations.

I would consider my love life like a roller coaster ride. I was happy-sappy-happy-sappy transitions of love story. Written from my previous blogs are my sentiments. I broke my guy and went to the other one. That new then left me after almost eight weeks. After that incident, I realized I was ready to be with the guy I left, but then again, of all the ill-fated actions, he dumped me for real. I was the one who was left behind. Now, I’m trying to gain myself again, still trying. I’m boastful to say, “I’m at the last phase of survival-- acceptance.”

She’s the toughest of the three of us when it comes to emotions. Colyn, as I knew her, she is the one who always hid her emotions if she is impaired. I saw her how she is, when she’s in a relationship, how she survives, how she learned and haven’t got affected during break-ups. I knew her in every strand of her hair, I knew her from every inches of her stories. Until now, I couldn’t believe I saw her for the first time how she cried for a guy. Yes, just like me, she was cheated, too. Last night, I told her, “Bading, sa ating tatlo nila Ice, ikaw ang pinakamatatag, alam ko kaya mo yan.” I let her cried her tears away to lessen her burden. I wanted her to show her real emotions. I wanted her to experience pain to learn lessons next time she falls in love again. I wanted her to realize how tears and advices would help her to move on and gain self-esteem. But then again, I love her because she is toughest of showing what the real emotions inside her heart are, and I saw it.

It’s been one year to be exact since ice and her girlfriend broke-up. The reason? The girl just felt the tiredness on their relationship. It’s immature. It’s unreasonable. But, the good thing is, ice took the lesson and learned from it afterwards. She already moved on, totally. Though it’s not that quite easy, but my friend learned the value of love, relationships, trust, and the value of self-respect. I’m happy for her indeed.

Even if all of us was hurt, cheated, and betrayed, we knew and learned something for it. And now, I wanted to treasure our moment of singlehood, because I know, this won’t last a long time. One day, we would find our pair, and just laugh out of what had happened. We are young, fresh, and free.



BLANK
school uniform
herlculis

I thought everything would turn out good. I woke up this morning and grabbed my phone to check my SMS. From my friend Colyn, she said, “Bading, married na si Angelo.” I’m little bit sleepy but choose to be awake and write my thoughts instead.

First, I feel blank. Questions filled my head like “Who’s his new?”. I don’t how should I react and I don’t know words to utter. This is the day I’m afraid to come- the day he would find somebody more than me. I almost cried but I stopped. There are enough tears I cried the other months. I just feel uneasy; I’m totally blank, totally empty.

I’m supposed to be happy for him because finally he’s happy. That’s the best thing to say, for his sake and for the benefit of myself. He deserved it, anyway. I feel hurt but more distressed if I hold on. My feelings should stop, and everything should be fair. We are better off this way.

Time flew so fast after almost four months of break-up. We have totally different lives. A stranger, who I met, loved, and spent my half life, now became bizarre again. He is happy. I’m blank. It’s called a quits.



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